Throughout my adult spiritual life, I heard and embraced the idea that God had a plan for me, that there was a predetermined idea of what I was to become and God would get me there through strange paths undivinable but through His wisdom. OK. All I ever wanted to do was compose music for video games. I thought it was maybe a little odd that God would have the same plan as me but it seemed to fit. That goal was a combination of my interests and skills, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich of my abilities and interests and God, of course, would want me to utilize my gifts, the talents He had given to me. Right?
But I never did get to write a single note for a video game. Not one. My guess at figuring out why that was had always been one of purity or moral purity. Video games are generally not a place where one finds spiritual contemplation happening at best and most people in the industry (that I've encountered) are questioning at the least and openly hostile at the worst. Obviously this is something I no longer care about but it was a quandary as I was trying to find my way in the world, trying to determine where I could fit in when my life and goals were viewed through the prism of religion.
Anyway, once I had two college degrees that said I knew a few things about music and I could effectively use technology pertaining to music, my first job was arranging MIDI files of public domain children's songs. I did that for almost five years. While I was doing that job, I kept applying to jobs related to audio in video games thinking that God's plan had funny twists and turns. Maybe he just wanted me to pay my dues. He was simply delyaing my gratification and not wanting to make my head swim with too much confidence. But the breakthrough moment didn't come. I still kept that faith, though, however dwindling it was.
After my time arranging children's music ended, I took a job teaching music technology. Perhaps teaching was His plan. My first two years of doing that job and dealing with another huge move of my family were, in a word, horrible. I was unhappy and wasn't sure what might come next. My answer came in a call from a friend who worked at a very prominent toy company. Trust me when I say you've heard of them. They usually have an entire ailse devoted to their products in every major retailer in the country. I was elated. This MUST be how all of my experience would align perfectly with His will for me and allow me to live the life I wanted and that He desired for me. In addition, getting that position would mean that my growing family could be moved closer to home. Instead of living with five states between us, we would practically be neighbors with our parental families, only three hours apart. Grandparents would be able to easily visit. The location of the new job was unbelievably gorgeous, rural enough for peace and quiet, urban enough for some culture and interesting things to do.
And it all fell apart. Disastrously. Painfully.
I had a number of good interviews. They flew me half way across the country to interview me personally. The interview was intense. It lasted six hours at least and seemed to go very well. I received much positive feedback both from my friend that worked there and from the other members of the department. They told me they'd call me in a month. But they didn't. So I started to call myself, first once every other week. Then every week. Then every three days. Then every day. Nobody would take my calls. Even my friend wouldn't return my emails. Finally, three months after the deadline they'd set for themselves, I got the letter in the mail. Thank you for your interest but we're not interested in you. Have a nice day. My whole world blew up when I got that letter. If that job wasn't a perfect fit, if it wasn't the perfect storm of a combination of my talents and a wholesome, moral-quandary free work environment, if it wasn't part of His plan, then what the bloody fuck was?
Within six months after my messy rejection, I was also tipped off through the grapevine that the person they'd hired instead of me had been fired because he wasn't working out, his attitude was getting in the way. That was the last straw. None of this made any sense anymore, there was no order and there was no plan. There was only chaos and disorder. At first that was difficult to accept until one day, it just made sense. Admitting that the universe is simply a chaotic place and that there is sometimes no order, no reasons behind events out of my control was the answer I needed.
In fact, that answer was the only thing that made sense because the alternative seemed ludicrous. The question was no longer, "Why?" it was now, "What the hell is your damn problem, God?". A career that makes use of my skills and talents? Check. No moral justifications required to participate in said career? Check. The ability to focus on and participate more in the lives of my family members? Check. With those details aligned but still being denied my goals, my conclusion was no longer that God was testing me but rather that God was either non-existent or He was just a serious dick with a penchant for meddling in the lives of his subjects. If the former was the truth, then I would just have to deal with the idea of being on my own, alone in an uncaring but chaotic universe. If the latter was accurate then seriously fuck off, God. Why would I continue to worship a deity that does that kind of shit? Job is a great story but, I'm sorry, that guy was a sap, a total doormat, a wife that continues to return time and again to the husband the beats the shit out of her because he "loves" her. We shouldn't choose to let other people walk on us like that so why would we choose to let an imaginary puppet master do the same? Instead, I decided to exercise that free will that You gave me (head asplode) and stand up for myself for a change!
Since then, I have embraced atheism and removing God from the picture has only made things much easier to deal with. I no longer wonder why I am not "allowed" to do what I want. It was simply that the opportunity never arose. It wasn't denied from me. It simply didn't happen. There is no deity trying to teach me a lesson, only the universe and human nature operating on its own chaotic schedules and patterns. I've learned to embrace that chaos and it's made all the difference. I am happier in my work and life because I choose to be happier in my work and life. I choose to be the person I am. I choose what my outlook is. Nothing is handed down to me from on high or forced upon me by some external entity. And it feels great. It is liberating. I am finally free. I have crawled from that prison of thought through a river of shit and emerged baptized on the other side, a free man.
"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen." - Tyler Durden, Fight Club
