I'll Be Back

Or rather, I am back. My Facebook absence was short-lived. But it gave me the opportunity to really consider why I was there in the first place. I enjoy keeping in touch with some of the people I've met in my life who are no longer in close enough proximity to visit me in meat space. I think curiosity got the better of me more often than it should have and I allowed more people to become my "friend" than I should have. I just wasn't comfortable around many of them anymore, even as a digital avatar. It became a high school reunion rather than a way to stay in contact with better friends. Moving forward, I will try to be more selective and also a better human being now that I understand a few more things about myself.

I Did It!

I quit Facebook. I was always trying to cope with these old feelings of inadequacy. I'd check my profile to see if people were commenting on anything I had to say. When nobody was paying attention, I'd feel rejected. It was ridiculous. Those feelings are ridiculous and I'm better off without them. When I realized that I felt like I was fifteen again, I knew things were out of proportion. I know that nobody was ignoring me on purpose or trying to make me feel bad. That line of thought is also ridiculous. But somehow, I still kept coming back to those same feelings, my emotions kept getting the better of me.

It's going to be a little hard to leave it behind. I enjoyed the initial voyeuristic excitement of getting a new friend (ding, gratz!) and leafing through their profile. Was I comparing myself against them? Not outright. But after a while, in my own mind, I think it did become a game. It was a game to see who could maintain the most profile traffic. In that context, I was losing hardcore. That, in turn, made me feel bad about myself. Just like I did in high school. I don't need that. Nobody needs that.

Once I came to that conclusion, there really was only one clear option. It was time to shut the profile down. It's not that I don't like those people. I do. There was almost always a reason why I either proffered myself to be their friend or accepted their own offer. But I hadn't talked to most of the people on my friend list for probably a decade or more. Once we said, "Hello! What are doing these day?", what more was there to talk about?

More concerning to me were my feelings when a friend that I had always considered "a very good friend" didn't talk to me a whole lot. They had new friends, people who are actually a part of their daily lives. That made me feel bad until I realized that I did too. However, I'll admit that a big part of my fascination with Facebook stemmed from uprooting my entire life this past year. I craved something, anything familiar.

Yes, some of those old friends are still around. I still see certain people when I visit PA. Those of you old-timers who stop by here are certainly included on the list. But time moves on and for good reason. We're not who we were 10 or 20 years ago. That's as it's supposed to be and a "good thing". We're supposed to change. If we don't, why are we still living?

In the end, I certainly appreciate the people that I have around, even virtually, very much. The thing is, though, that circle can only be so wide before people start getting pushed out. I'm sure some were pushed out of mine just as I was pushed out of others. It's simply no big deal, though, and that was my problem with Facebook. Again, it wasn't Facebook's problem, but my problem. In the end, I learned something about myself and I hope that I can stay in touch with a small handful of the people that I (re) met.

The Money Pit - Bidding

About three weeks ago, we got our first and only bid on the house. Yes, it's been three weeks, we're still in the bidding process, and our lease expires at the end of January. Unfortunately, even under the best circumstances, we're probably going to lose about $40-$50K. We've been very reasonable with our bids as well as prompt. The buyers on the other hand see the current market as an excuse to not only come in low with bids but also treat us with some amount of disrespect. At one point, we waited almost six days for them to raise their offer by only two thousand dollars. When our agent asked the other what was taking so long, their agent responded sharply with how it's a buyers market and blah blah blah blah. OK, so the market stinks and everything. Can't your clients still treat us with some respect and dignity? We'll even settle for simple courtesy. How about getting back to us within two to three business days at the most? I understand that buyers are at a huge advantage right now. But, please, if you're going to rape me, at least treat me with some respect and give me a kiss on the cheek first.

Green Tunes: Episode 7

Every once in a while, a song pops up on the old iPod that I haven't heard in years. In this case, it was Helmet's He Feels Bad. This whole album was one of my favorites when it was released. The greatest thing about it to me is its length. Clocking in at just over thirty minutes are ten songs just spitting metal as hard as they can. No quiet songs, no repose, no weakness, just a half an hour of pure energy. This is an album cut off a CD released sixteen years ago by a band that seemingly came and went, even though they still released some truly great work after that, too.

so i take it out
every chance i get
left to be so mean
still it's sane and so sympathetic

want to feel bad
but you can't say no

it's no cause at all
it comes down to you and
who bleeds who?

just past the day
pleasant leaves you
comes to you the same way
passed on

every day's the last day
no one sees you
walk the part to stay
not you

judge yourself again
age is no excuse
had to find a way to
close my eyes, call it back and shoot.

Let the Right One In

To celebrate Amy's birthday and my survival of my first semester, we left Nicholas with a babysitter today. We went into Omaha to catch a movie and have some dinner. The movie we saw was quite good. It's a Swedish vampire film called Let The Right One In. The pacing was much slower than what you're about to see, almost too slow, but here's the action-packed trailer:



The film was actually more about young Oskar's coming of age than about all the action shots you just saw in the trailer. I can recommend this one if you like creepy movies but are not necessarily keen to a lot of violence or gore. Obviously, this movie has some violence, but very little gore as it's mostly about Oskar's relationships with the bullies, Eli the vampire, and himself.

One scene, however, made me laugh for almost a whole minute. Eli has accidentally created a new vampire when she fails to fully drain one of her victims. In this scene, the victim is visiting a friend and cat lover's apartment, but doesn't quite know what's happened to her yet. Hilarity ensues despite the fact that hilarity was not the intent.



I love how she takes a dive down the stairs while being engulfed by a cloud of cats. Anyway, despite the ridiculousness of this one scene, I really enjoyed the movie. It's worth checking out if you're a horror buff or if you want a fresh take on vampire lore.

Postulating Theorems, Formulating Equations

A comment left on the previous post has me thinking about learning. How do we learn best? The comment involved learning from television, specifically sitcoms and cartoons. Is that such a bad thing?

We know that there are a number of different learning styles as well as multiple intelligences. I would imagine that there are quite a few studies out there that describe how these theories interact; however, I am too lazy to find them so I will just have to stick with pondering out loud.

I stopped and thought about where I learned the story of the tigers and the strawberry. In that case, I learned about it from my mother who learned it while studying environmental science in college while I was in elementary school. She loved the story and repeated it often, taking the strawberry as a personal symbol of contentedness. In other words, I grew up with the story. It's hard to remember not knowing it.

But what about things that were not taught to me by parents or teachers? I have an armchair fascination with philosophy. Why? Monty Python's Flying Circus and The Philosophers Song. Here were five or six men standing around singing about philosophers drinking beer. I had no idea who any of the philosophers mentioned in the song were when I first heard it. But I started looking into them. I started reading some of those philosopher's writings. Did I understand most of it? Hardly. But I kept at it and after taking a couple of college courses and reading on my own, I know a little bit about a few of them, specifically Kant who wrote quite a bit about beauty and the nature of the sublime.



I am not a Renaissance man by any stretch of the imagination. I have no interest in learning so many bits of trivia that I can out-remember someone on a quiz show. To me, the process is far more interesting than the outcome. After all, if I start exploring a subject and find it boring, is there any reason to continue? If I start a project that requires learning new information but fail, was my attempt a failure or did I at least learn something from the experience that I can take along in the future?

I guess what I'm trying to say in this giant ramble is that learning from sitcoms and cartoons isn't necessarily a bad thing if we take some time to find how the things we learn are interconnected and then explore those connections. If we do that, we'll never stop learning. In the end, I believe that if we take that idea far enough, we'll somehow arrive at Kevin Bacon.

An Overdue Apology

I used to be one of the thickest people I know. As evidence, I offer a true tale that takes place many years ago in which I went on a date. But, see, the thing is I didn't know it was a date. Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

The phone rang and when I picked it up, a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I asked her who else was going. She hesitated and replied that nobody else was going. I thought that was strange but maybe we'd run into some other friends there.

We didn't. The movie was Sister Act 2, a movie so abysmal that we should have been making out during the opening credits. We didn't. We watched the whole thing, mostly in silence. After the credits rolled, we chatted as I drove her home. I pulled into her driveway, thanked her for the offer of going to the movies, and politely said good night. She returned the pleasantry and seemed irritated as she got out of the car and went inside.

As the screen door slammed, I realized three hours too late what had just happened. It's been about fifteen years since that night and I never apologized. So, for what it's worth, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for being so dense and snubbing you so harshly. I don't think I could ever convince you that it was completely unintentional. I was just a dullard.

Strawberry

The last day of November and Nicholas is sleeping as I look outside through the sliding glass doors of our apartment. There is snow on the ground for the first time this season. There is still a month left to go in 2008 and already I find myself reflecting on all of the change that I've seen this year. Nicholas was born. I left my job of over four years and even made a slight shift in profession. We left Chicago, our home of seven years, for Omaha of all places. We also left our house for a temporary two bedroom apartment where I now sit on the floor. There was an election of some import. The economy staggered into problem territory like we haven't seen in 80 years.

Some of these changes are good. Some maybe not so much. But I mention none of them in order to attach labels. I'm just sitting here amazed that so much can change in a year. We expected Nicholas. The rest of it has been a surprise unfolding at every turn.

Looking at the snow now is like looking at a clean slate. Things are quiet and I feel a strange kind of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. It's taken me three paragraphs to figure out that the feeling is one of being in this moment and no other, being reflective but not in a critical way, again without assigning those labels. I'm also not planning for the future, something that tends to keep me up nights. I'm only dreaming of what it may bring, what other surprises could possibly be in store.

These moments are rare, but it's during these short epiphanies that I best understand the zen story of the tigers and the strawberry, which apparently, according to the link, had a very different ending depending on who told it and when.

This Thing Rules!

The Korg DS-10 I ordered finally arrived last week. I've been playing with it intermittently when I get time and I'll say it again: if you have any interest in real music creation and not just playback of pre-made samples as in Jam Sessions, this is the real deal. It's set up with step sequencers and a tracker that can store up to 16 patterns made by you. The reason I like this more than Jam Sessions is the sound synthesis. If I wanted to play a guitar, I'd just play a guitar. But not everybody has access to vintage analog synthesis. There's enough control with the DS-10 that you won't run out of ideas for new sounds any time soon.

I have one song almost finished and another is in the works although I'm not sure I like it. Here's a video to demonstrate some of the flexibility I'm talking about. This guy gets some things wrong. For instance, there's no sine wave available in the either of the synths. There's triangle, sawtooth, pulse, and noise, but no sine. OK, I'm nerding out now. Here's the vid for beginners:

Homaha

Chris, Curtis, Jon, and Mike, four of my ex-cohorts in audio crimes against nature at my old job, came out for a visit this weekend. It was the most fun I've had since I can't remember when. They stayed downtown in the Old Market area and I met up with them Friday night after work. Curt cooked me up a Manhattan while we caught up on the past few months and then it was out on the town. Well, almost. Before going out we actually hit up the hotel's complimentary welcome package, which included free beer. Who passes up free beer?

Then we hit the town, had some dinner at M's Pub, and then headed over to The Dubliner, and Irish pub with some live music. The only strange thing that none of us were really used to was that everything closed up at one. So once we closed the bars, we headed back to the hotel and had a few more brews and some pizza until everyone crashed for the night.

The next day, I gave them a tour of my audio facilities and some of the school. Then, we met up with Amy for some dinner at Spaghetti Works. After dinner, we did some bar hopping, but things didn't really pick up at the first couple places we went to so we ended up right back at the Dubliner. It seemed like one of the more happening places to go. The crowd on Saturday was noticeable younger, though. Not a huge deal, but some young tempers were easily flared.

All in all, a great weekend. I'm totally flattered that they would drive all this way to party for two nights. It was a blast and I won't soon forget it.

Lagaard to Layton

So Etrian Odyssey didn't last long. I don't mind grinding for the sake of grinding, but this game had it in spades. Not only that but the difficulty spikes of the bosses were infuriatingly steep. Imagine you just spent the last 45 minutes grinding for special power points for your entire party only to be wiped out in the first round. "No more," I said. "I'm finished with this."

And so it was that my Odyssey came to an End. But, it was soon replaced by a host of brain teasers in Professor Layton and the Curious Village, a worthy game filled with puzzles mostly found in the always disappointingly titled "Games Magazine". It was disappointing to me, anyway.

Layton is fun but I was informed only yesterday that my DS-10 shipped. I can't wait. LFOs, here I come!

November 4, 2008

Green Tunes: Episode 6

I went to the doctor again yesterday. He's really not sure what's wrong with me. My ears feel like they fill up with fluid every night. When I wake up, if I've been sleeping on my right side, my right ear is clogged with something to the point where I can't hear much of anything out of it. The pressure and pain stick around all day, but it's worst at night. This happened back in September but it came back last week. When it didn't go away by the weekend, I got an appointment for the doctor on Monday morning even though I was feeling alright. However, by Wednesday, some glands in my throat were noticeably swollen and it hurt to swallow. Not a scratchy hurt but that deep hurt that causes you to clench your jaw in expectation.

At my appointment, the doc had a few ideas. It could be some kind of allergies that I've never known I had, it could be something in the apartment, it could be strep throat, or it could be mono. Here are my thoughts on the potential diagnoses. I've never had an allergic reaction to anything let alone one this strong. It could be a mold issue or something similar in the apartment. If that's the case, I don't know what we'll do. The strep culture the doctor did came back negative, but strep is the only one of these problems I've had any experience with so it feels most like that to me. Finally, mono. I hope the blood test comes back and they call me today. I don't have time for mono, but I'll admit the thought of rest is welcome.

I admit defeat. I've tried to be strong. I've tried to muscle through and smile in the face of adversity, but I'm just sad about everything now. All this sickness and loneliness is really getting to me. I'm struggling with the idea that I've made a mistake by coming out here. Amy tries to buoy my spirits and reassure me that this move has been and will be for the best, but I'm having a hard time believing that right now. I feel a lot like I did fifteen years ago, unsure if I've made the right decisions with my future and no chance of reassurance without the undying patience to know that eventually another fifteen years will pass and the significance of a single decision will seem practically irrelevant.

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedometer says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don't be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize
This life that passed before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

The ocean is the river's goal,
A need to leave the water knows
We're closer now than light years to go

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away
Leave the road and memorize
This life that passed before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

There's no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
We're closer now than light years to go
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
Fall into the ocean

The river to the ocean goes,
A fortune for the undertow
None of this is going my way
There is nothing left to throw
Of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rows of hay
Strength and courage overrides
The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
All of this is coming your way

Gaming Hiatus?

Since I've been working at the new job, I haven't had a whole lot of time to sink into gaming. Plus, I had to leave my PC back in Chicago until we can move everything out here. I had just started Darwinia when that happened and I'll be glad to see it again. However, I did bring my Nintendo DS with me and in the time between when I get in bed and I fall asleep, I've been spending a few minutes here and there playing games on it.

Darwinia

Now that I've finished Geometry Wars, I've picked up Etrian Odyssey II: Heroes of Lagaard. It's supposedly for only the hardest of hardcore RPG fans, and for the record, you might want to add the letter J to the front of that acronym, too. It is hard, for sure. I haven't quite finished the first level and my party's been wiped out three times. I'm going to keep going with it, though. It seems like I could get into the character customization aspects of it and the classes, while they do fill the standard archetypal tank/healer/damage roles are slightly more interesting versions of other classes I've seen lately in games like Guild Wars. There's a Necro-ish Hexer and a foreign-ish fighting Ronin class that adds some potentially interesting twists to the fighting part.

There's also the cartography. Oh, the cartography. I won't repeat what's been said in reviews countless times, but most games don't make you do this anymore. I don't find it that much of a loss not to have to whip out my graph paper to play a game anymore, but the tools that they've given to draw the map in-game are sufficient and completely appropriate so far.

Etrian Odyssey II: Heroes of Lagaard

Wuh Wuh Wuh

Yes, the switch to all-digital transmissions should be easy and painless for everyone.

Klingons and Wookies

This is the funniest thing I've seen in the past couple of weeks. Jim, the guy in the blue shirt, is trying to bait Dwight, the guy in the foreground, into wasting time at work. Dwight is a stickler for canon in sci-fi/fantasy fiction. Hilarity ensues.

Yes, Again

Nick went off of his antibiotics for the second time on Friday morning. By Friday night, he was showing behavior and symptoms of another cold. Between Amy and myself, we were up nearly all night with him. We took him to the doctor on Saturday morning and she checked his heart, lungs, and ears. Everything looked good. We slept Saturday away right along with Nick. We had our first social appointment for a lunch that we were both looking forward to but disappointed that we had to cancel. Saturday night was a little better and Sunday was decent. He seems to be doing even better this morning. Still, Amy and I are tired and getting more than a little lonely. It seems every time we try to get together to make friends, we have to cancel.

Just Sad

I am rather fiercely apolitical. While I believe that most of the people who run our country do have our best interests at heart despite which side of our myopic, two-party coin they tend to agree, the system itself is so dirtied by corporate interests and money that legal actions that might truly initiate necessary radical changes rarely tend to occur.

That being said, I am disgustingly entertained by the recent abhorrent behavior of rally attendees for the Republican presidential nominee. As the Democratic nominee begins to show some strength and our wasp brethren have their toes held to the fire, their true nature is showing. The ignorant comments are telling. Calling out that the Democratic nominee is an Arab or a Muslim, a complete falsehood, is shameful enough in that it continues plant the idea in the heads of the ignorant and stupid. But the real shame should be in the reason why the comment is being uttered in the first place. What if Obama was of Arab decent? What if he were Muslim?

Many conservatives choose their party based on closely held religious beliefs and if these are the people catcalling for things like Obama's death, their hypocrisy astounds. Christianity as it is practiced in America has come to mean fear and isolationism, the active rejection of people or ideas with which its practitioners tend to disagree. While that rejection is not necessarily against the tenets of the faith, the complete lack of respect, tolerance, and dare I say love for any people who might disagree with them is a telling litmus of exactly what impression the religion gives non- and ex-practitioners: selfish, fearful, and ignorant.

I know plenty of faithful Christians and am completely aware that these behaviors do not reflect the actions and beliefs of all of them. However, the palpable fear and ignorance of the others now on public display, their comments putting the ugly face of racism on parade and hate once again acting as the language of the day, is certainly no great advertisement for the conservative party or its Christian adherents. If this is what being faithful means, I respectfully decline.

*Sigh*

Nicholas came down with another illness last week. This one didn't get as bad because fortunately he had a doctor's appointment the day after we noticed it. However, for whatever reason, he's had a harder time recovering from this one. His eyes cleared up pretty quickly but he's been coughing with a deep rattle in his chest for a week. He's on antibiotics, so hopefully that rattle works its way out soon.

Amy and I have also felt a little under the weather this week again. It feels like some mild form of stomach flu. I woke up early Tuesday morning feeling nauseous. I almost called in sick from work but I had to give a test that day so I dragged myself in anyway. I was dizzy, my stomach was cramping mildly, I felt easily overheated, and I had cotton mouth most of the day. By the time I went home at 4:30pm, I was exhausted. I crawled into bed and fell into a fitful sleep by 5pm. Amy let me off the hook that night with Nicholas and I was able to sleep off and on until 8am the next morning with only one major waking around 1am in a pool of sweat. I think maybe a fever had broken. Yesterday, I felt mostly fine again with very minor stomach discomfort, but I am still wary to eat food other than saltines and ginger ale.

Amy texted me yesterday and told me that she was feeling the same way. I think she has the same thing but she's a day behind me.

Once these issues clear up, let's hope this is the end for a while.

Nerd Funny

I don't ever pre-order things. But the Korg DS-10's US release has me giddy with excitement so I did the unthinkable a couple of weekends ago: I plunked down my cash to purchase the idea of software. I pre-ordered this thing and I can't wait until they ship it to me on October 14th.

For those not in the know, the Korg DS-10 is a full-fledged synthesizer with step sequencer for the popular Nintendo DS. I was just over at Amazon watching the tutorial videos and getting excited about programming this thing. I haven't had a chance to really dig into sound synthesis for quite a while and this is going to be my fix for sure.

I can't think of any better concrete way to learn about the science of sound in a hands-on capacity than using a sequencer that lets you build a sound from its basic elements: sine waves. VCOs, VCAs, VCFs, EGs, S&H: all of these are acronyms with which you'll quickly become familiar and then after you play around for a while, suddenly it all starts to make sense. Actually, I think the VC part of those letters is pretty funny in the context of the DS. Those letters stand for Voltage Controlled, meaning actual electrical signals are being produced to generate the desired effect, but there's nothing voltage controlled about the DS-10 software. It is software, after all, and already completely in digital form. See? Ha ha. I told you it was funny. Nerd funny.

A Day Off

We're all feeling better. Finally! I'm still not back to 100% as my ears still get stuffed up at night and really hurt when air pressure changes. But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm trying really hard to work less. Everybody I've talked to tells me I shouldn't be working so much and I agree, but I haven't been able to get far enough ahead to feel comfortable. My dean tried to make me promise not to work this weekend. I told her I couldn't promise anything, but I held up the bargain 50% of the time. I put in a full day yesterday but did not do any work today. I'd almost forgotten what it feels like to relax. By the way, it feels good.

Amy actually had something really interesting input for me regarding the hours I've been putting in recently. One night while lying awake, I asked her why she thought that I feel so compelled to work so much. Her answer was startlingly truthful. She said, "Fear." It hadn't occurred to me but I think she's right. It's fear of not being prepared, fear of appearing incompetent. These are long-time neuroses of mine and I've been trying to deal with them during the past few months, but my new job has put my self-improvement on the back burner. Back to it, I guess.

Hulu There!

In an effort to shift the tone around here away from wailing and the gnashing of teeth, I'd like to point your browser to Hulu.com. It's free to sign up. Once you do, you'll have access to a number of decent television shows and movies. Like television, there are commercials, but there's never a break like the yawning gap of a twenty minute chasm between the last set and the end of the movie you're trying to finish. Most of the time, it's fifteen or thirty seconds and you're back to the feature.

We've been watching it a bit since we've all been sick, we don't have a TV, and the two-at-a-time Netflix queue can't spit out or requests quickly enough. I mostly like sticking to the television offerings. We keep up with our viewings of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report this way. King of the Hill is finally accessible whenever I'm ready for it instead of being shifted around table-tennis style between five different time slots. They also have an all too brief list of Three Stooges shorts. Granted, these are some of the best the Stooges have to offer, but there are still more I'd like to see up there. Thankfully, they've confined the offerings to the depression-era Curly years. The episode Three Little Beers always makes me laugh.

More Whining

Everyone here is down with a nasty bug. Or for Amy and I, it could be allergies. Nick is still running a fever and has an ear infection, but his eyes have returned to normal. His lungs are rattling when he exhales now, but his nasal passages aren't quite as clogged. Amy and I have similar symptoms but she's a couple days ahead of where I am.

I have to admit that I'm getting a little depressed. I'm working so hard to keep my head above water with school but being sick all the time is really wearing me out. I don't know how I'll make it to December let alone June. I'm no help to Amy with Nick on the weekends because I'm at school, working, and when I'm not at school I'm at home sleeping because I'm exhausted. We don't have any friends or family here to help us with Nick and I'm finding it more difficult not to get jealous of coworkers who have people they can lean on.

I've been told that the ragweed is what people have trouble with out here in terms of allergies at this time of year. Honestly, I don't even care what it is anymore. I just want to feel normal again. When I said "Temporary setbacks, permanent improvements," two months ago, I had no idea the setbacks would be so physically difficult.

I know that a few people read this blog now and sometimes I feel guilty for posting what amounts to nothing but whining. Nobody wants to read this. So I apologize for the sour times reporting. It's just the reality for now. Even though we know we'll come through this stronger than before and that things really aren't as bad as they might seem, it's hard to see the bigger picture when there's no sign of relief in sight. I just want to feel normal again, if only for a little while.

Inevitable

It was inevitable. Over the weekend, Nicholas caught the cold that both Amy and I have had a total of three times. He began to get fussy on Sunday and by Monday, his left eye had begun to produce goopy yellow phlegm as was his nose. I woke up late that night to the sound of his struggling to breathe. So Amy took yesterday off of work and set up an appointment for him with a new pediatrician. They prescribed some eye drops for his eye and acetaminophen for his general cold and fever symptoms. He's been pretty cranky for the past two days, wanting to be held or rocked most of the time, and he only sleeps for two to three hours at a time. His schedule is gone, understandably.

For Amy and I, it's been rough. We don't like to see him so miserable. At the same time, we've been given a crash course in the rules and regulations of taking unscheduled time off from work. Today, it was my turn. I am caring for Nick today. Hopefully tomorrow his eyes will be better and his fever will have broken so he will be able to return to day care. I'm afraid we just can't afford to pay for a house in Chicago and an apartment near Omaha and day care services we are not using. I have to sing this song:

Green Tunes: Episode 5

I'm going to violate my own rule and post another video by Rush. Please allow me to indulge myself. I think I've made it abundantly clear that Rush is my favorite group evar. I even fell out with them for a time but came back, head long in love again.

Anyway, the song is The Pass. It's one of those songs I've been listening to for years and the older I get the more meaning I get from the lyrics. The song got me through high school as the story of someone who, perhaps feeling alone in the world, uses his dreams to pull him through the mess of adolescence. But as an adult, I find that I tend to focus more on the chorus that begins, "All of us get lost in the darkness," rather than the angst of the first two verses.

However, The positivity that radiates from the second two verses is what I find so inspiring about the song, "It's not as if this barricade blocks the only road...". I've learned over many years that finding your path is more important than reaching the destination. But no matter how enlightening that may seem, it's almost never a pleasant thing to experience. The journey is seldom easy. But despite that, the fourth verse is a call to arms, "Someone set a bad example...". Don't give up and don't quit no matter how impossible things may seem. If one door is closed, keep searching and you'll find an open one.

Proud swagger out of the schoolyard
Waiting for the worlds applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now youre trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Cant face life on a razors edge
Nothings what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razors edge
Dont turn your back
And slam the door on me

Its not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
Its not as if youre all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now youre trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razors edge
Nothings what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I'm frustrated because I'm sick again. I have no idea why, but that cold is coming back. I started taking those foul-tasting Cold-Eeze when I noticed that I had a sore throat this time, though. I hate them, but they do decrease the length of a cold. The real issue with my second round of sickness, however, is that we still do not have insurance coverage and won't until September first. I'm not really concerned for Amy or myself as we can weather a cold without issue, but if Nicholas gets sick, he'll undoubtedly take a harder fall.

We still feel pretty unsettled here at the moment. The abrupt nature of this move coupled with the speed with which we have had to employ in order to accomplish it have taken an emotional toll on us. We'll recover, I know, but for now we don't feel at home. We're going to start looking for a house in a week or two, so I'm hoping that once we sell the house in Chicago and move in out here, our dispositions will begin to improve.

Iowegian

I've now been living in Iowa for two weeks. And I have somehow not gained 200 pounds by eating corn. ;) It's been a long couple of weeks, though. I moved most of what little I brought up to my apartment on Friday, August 1st while Amy had an interview for a job. She and Nick left early Saturday morning and I've been on my own ever since. That weekend was the hardest because I had nothing pressing to do, but once work began that next Monday, the pace picked up significantly and it hasn't slowed yet.

Unfortunately, I either was simply so upset that it made me sick or I contracted a bug from the water not long after I arrived which made that first week one of the roughest I've ever experienced at a new job. I spent much of my first Saturday in the bathroom and by Sunday I could barely sit down. If I managed to do that, I would double over in pain and lie moaning on the floor once I was done. My throat then started feeling a little scratchy. By Tuesday, my second day of work, my initial digestive problems were subsiding, but a full-blown cold had reared its head. Being wary of the water, I made friends with the local Walgreens employees after I started showing up there every morning to buy water and orange juice.

As for work, I've been busier than I've ever been in the last five years. There's a lot to know, a new confusing building system to navigate, and of course, the fear of getting up in front of a room full of people on a daily basis to conquer. I'm pretty familiar with most of the material that's being taught in all my classes. There are a few dark and dusty corners of information that I haven't used in a while that I will need to brush up on, but otherwise I know what I need to know. However, I still wonder if the day will come when the dean comes to my classroom and calls me out as a complete fraud.

I've been working long hours for about twelve days straight now and I am tired. I have one more day of meetings and instructional sessions to attend tomorrow and then Monday we're off to the races. I can't help but think of what my adviser in graduate school, Virgil, told me one semester, "All of my work is heaped at the beginning of the semester, while yours is heaped at the end. Our workloads are about even at midterm." I hope his experience will mirror my own.

Please Just Rip It Off

It's getting difficult now. Knowing that I'm leaving the day after tomorrow is agonizing, like pulling a bandage off slowly. Saying goodbye to coworkers and friends... not my favorite thing in the world. This is truly the first move I've made in my life where I haven't been happy about leaving things behind. The move to Chicago was hard, but I had nowhere to go but up. Not that I don't think this move is a step up, but by pursing greater things for my career, I'm now sacrificing friendships, too.

Also, the irony that one's house is only at its cleanest on the day it's left behind is striking.

Green Tunes: Episode 4

This song has been running through my head all day. It just seems to fit right now. Analog Kid by Rush.

A hot and windy August afternoon
Has the trees in constant motion
With a flash of silver leaves
As they're rocking in the breeze

The boy lies in the grass with one blade
Stuck between his teeth
A vague sensation quickens
In his young and restless heart
And a bright and nameless vision
Has him longing to depart

[Chorus]
You move me
You move me
With your buildings and your eyes
Autumn woods and winter skies
You move me
You move me
Open sea and city lights
Busy streets and dizzy heights
You call me
You call me

The fawn-eyed girl with sun-browned legs
Dances on the edge of his dream
And her voice rings in his ears
Like the music of the spheres

The boy lies in the grass, unmoving
Staring at the sky
His mother starts to call him
As a hawk goes soaring by
The boy pulls down his baseball cap
And covers up his eyes

[Chorus]

Too many hands on my time
Too many feelings
Too many things on my mind
When I leave I don't know
What I'm hoping to find
When I leave I don't know
What I'm leaving behind...

Farewell, Chicago

So it's official. I've given my two-weeks notice to PIL today and have accepted a job as full-time music technology faculty at Iowa Western Community College outside of Omaha, Nebraska. I haven't posted much recently because, frankly, not much else has been on my mind and I couldn't talk about anything publicly until today. So much needs to be done on our end that there isn't time for anything besides thinking about moving and actually moving as I start August 4th. Amy will stay behind with Nick for a while to finish our business here and they will hopefully join me by the beginning of September.

I am sad to leave my coworkers behind. They have been a fun group and I will miss them. They've challenged me in ways I never expected and I feel I've become a better person because of it.

I've never been good at goodbyes. We've been seven years in the Chicago area now and we have hat a lot of fun here. But despite my penchant for personal comfort and stability, it is time for some new adventures. Onward.

Green Tunes: Episode 3

I'll admit it. I have a penchant for novelty songs. Anything weird, quirky, humorous, or just plain goofy usually has a spot in a playlist of mine somewhere. I first taught myself to play the guitar by practicing a simplified version of "I Like Chinese" by the Monty Python troupe about 500 times.

Presidents of the United States of America is a group that is quite good at churning out songs that usually fit at least two of those adjectives I listed above in any given song. The thing I love about this group is that most of the time, they're talking literally. If they write a song about Peaches or a Kitty or the planet Jupiter, they're not using those objects as metaphors for something else. The best thing is, these guys just keep getting better after they sunk back underground after their mid '90s jump to stardom. One of their songs that I play to Nick that he really likes is the closing track on their 2004 album, Love Everybody, called Jennifer's Jacket. This particular performance goes up to 11 because they play the riff from Spinal Tap's Big Bottom at the end.

And she's got safety pins and string holding it together
She can only wear her jacket in warm weather
Although the sleeves need to be shortened
The fact that the arms are falling off isn't important

(Because) Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart
Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart

The lining in her coat is rotten
And it seems that the zipper has been completely forgotten
She had a dollar ten for a slice in the pocket of the right
But the pocket had a hole and she looked for the change all night

Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart
Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart

This is a list of malformations
But it would cost one hundred dollars for alterations
We all know that the pressed leather is in
But you can't keep warm in the winter in December in the city when it's 32 degrees below zero
with a safety pin!

Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart
Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart
Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Is falling apart
Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket, Jennifer's jacket,
Falling apart at the seams!
Falling apart at the seams!
Falling apart at the seams!
Falling apart at the seams! (Jennifer's jacket is)
Falling apart at the seams! (Jennifer's jacket is)
Falling apart at the seams! (Jennifer's jacket is)
Falling apart at the seams! (Jennifer's jacket is)
Falling apart at the seams, yeah!

Five Things

1. What were you doing ten years ago?
I had just finished undergraduate school and was getting ready to move to Pittsburgh. I may have just finished house sitting for a friend's family while they were in Europe and I was looking for a job. Just before I moved, I found one doing telemarketing calls for Time Life. I quit after a week.

2.Name five things on today's "to do" list:
a. finish my presentation
b. help Amy with planting the new flowers
c. spend some time at the neighbor's barbecue
d. change poopy diapers
e. enjoy my deck, some relative silence, and the beautiful weather while I relax on the intertubes.

3.Things I'd do if I was a Billionaire: I'd make sure Amy and I were set for retirement, set up funds for Nick, and make sure my parents were ok. Then I'd be a philanthropist.

4.Three Bad Habits: eating too much, procrastinating, general laziness

5.Five places I've lived: Slippery Rock, PA, Pittsburgh, PA, McDonald, PA, Chicago, IL, Morton Grove, IL.

6.Five jobs I've had: Composer/Sound Designer, Church Music Director, Cable Modem Installer, Music wholesale shipping department gorilla, dishwasher

7..Five People I'm Tagging:
JuJu, V, W, oKo, and that's all I got. :)

No Good Deed

As most of you know, I'm on the last leg of my leave from work under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Under the act, I am entitled to 12 weeks of leave from my job but it's up to my employers to decide how to pay or not pay me as they see fit. As it stands, I have had to use all of my paid time off for the rest of year which was officially exhausted as of the first week of June. I have been on unpaid leave since then.

To my dismay, I noticed yesterday that my time off for this coming Friday, July 4th, was also unpaid. I asked about the entry in case of an error. The reply was that they did not have to pay me because I am on special leave under the FMLA. The confusing part for me is that they did pay me for Memorial Day and I was on leave then, too. The only difference seems to be that I still had paid vacation time left. But they won't pay me for the fourth even though it's a company paid holiday and everyone in the building will be getting paid for not being there. Except for me, of course. No good deed goes unpunished. I am guilty of wanting to spend time caring for my infant son during the second three months of his life, therefore in addition to the previous month that they already did not have to pay my salary, they're adding the one day holiday.

I'm sure that it's legal otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. But this wasn't explained to me when I met with HR about it. Twice. It just makes me sad to think that my own company would rape me for every penny that they possibly could if they had the opportunity. As a side note, this is the same company that had a total income of one-hundred twelve million dollars in 2007 with a total operating expense of nineteen million. Most of us have seen tiny raises in the past three years, bonuses that are OK but nothing to write home about, and trouble getting our requests heard to upgrade our audio workstation computers from MacOS 9.2 for the past two years.

Stage Fright: Epilogue

A recent comment on my Stage Fright entry got me thinking a bit more about how I was presenting Mr. Galper and I thought I'd add some reflections on the story from a decade out.

In the end, I think perhaps it was a matter of ego. Galper struck me as a man who thought very highly of himself. Sometimes, when you get that mix of ego and braggadocio, it's easy to want to push people further who may not have your inherent skills for the sake of their own improvement. After all, it ain't bragging when you can back it up, right? Buddy Rich did it, too. Was what Buddy said on those bus tapes true? Probably. But did being a jerk about it help the situation? Probably not. I'm not condoning anyone's behavior. I can only speak for myself. That kind of pressure only makes me want to stop, not to push myself further. Others may find that encouraging. I do not.

Was Hal trying to intimidate me? I'll never know. He may have thought that he was doing the jazz world and me a favor Simon Cowell-style by taking some wind out of my sails. He also may have thought nothing of it, though, which is probably much more likely. It's just not his style. My style of learning and his style of teaching (at least in that context) were entirely different.

Obligatory MST3K Response

Stage Fright: The Hal Galper Story

I'd never heard of Hal Galper before. But he was coming to my university to give a jazz clinic. For the uninitiated, a clinic is a performance that is interrupted by tips for the other musicians in the audience. They're intended for students and amateurs in order to learn more about performance techniques. I had, however, heard of the other two musicians in his trio, the aptly named "The Hal Galper Trio". The drummer, Akira Tana is relatively famous in the jazz world and the bassist, Rufus Reid, is a freaking legend. When Terry, my private instructor, told me I would be performing with them in the clinic, my knees almost buckled.

For the couple of weeks after I knew that my head was going to be put on the chopping block, I practiced every chance I could, trying to memorize and play every jazz standard I knew in multiple keys. I was also practicing for a senior recital. It was, shall we say, stressful. Adding to the stress was knowing that my partner in pain would be none other than Matt Blostein. Matt was six years younger than me but he had always been a prodigy and could play better than me by leaps and bounds. I was sure that I was about to be humiliated but Terry, as he usually did, reassured me that things would be just fine.

On the day of the clinic, I arrived in the music hall early, removed my sax from its case, and began warming up. I was so nervous I could barely play scales. Matt showed up and just as nervous as I was. These were his idols as much as they were mine. But it was little comfort. The kid was better than me and it was going to be obvious to everyone there. I was still prepared for the worst.

Finally, I met the band and the clinic started. They asked me for a song to play to start the show with. I chose an easy blues-based tune I knew like the back of my hand, Now's The Time, by Charlie Parker. Things were going quite well until we started trading fours. Matt took the first four bars, Galper took the second, Reid took the third, Tana took the fourth, and I brought up the rear. Trading fours in a blues tune was usually not a problem. I could hang. But I was so nervous that while the drummer took four (and did some crazy things in those four bars), I committed the ultimate sin: I lost count.

When he hit a crash to bring me in, I froze. The music stopped. I hadn't been that embarrassed since a similar thing happened to me in high school. But that was me at 15, new to jazz and not a very good improviser. But here I was 23 and still losing count. I could feel my cheeks flush as they all started to tease me a little. I think most of it was good natured, but I was having trouble feeling good about my mistake.

At that point, Hal Galper got up from the piano. He was a giant man, probably at least 6' 5" and obese. Plus, his left eye is glass so when he looked at you, the left eye was always stuck in the same position. He lumbered toward Matt and I. His glass eye was pointing hard right away but the good one was fixed right on me. He looked at Matt then. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Play a scale with a jazz articulation," he said. Matt played it.

"Now play it without your tongue." Matt played that too.

He looked at me and requested the same. I played the first scale fine, but for whatever reason, I could not disengage my tongue from the reed to play the scale with a jazz feel. This part I will never forget. Galper got right up in my face and seemed like he was yelling.

"Don't use your tongue!"

I tried again and failed. He gave up and started dispensing advice to Matt. "You're very good, but it sounds like you've practiced too much with play-along CDs." Of course, he was right. There weren't many opportunities to go to good jazz jam sessions in rural Pennsylvania.

I don't remember what he told me, to be honest, but I do remember that it was much more critical than what he said to Matt. I think it was something about needing a lot more practice before I thought about playing in an environment like that again. I think I almost peed myself. All I remember well was leaving the hall after the clinic was over and thinking that I would never play the saxophone again. And I didn't for a whole week. It stayed in its case, stashed in my locker. When I showed up for my next weekly lesson, Terry was not surprised that I hadn't practiced. He also apologized for how Galper treated us on stage. It was some comfort to know that he, too, thought the man unnecessarily rude.

Unfortunately, the damage was done. It was that day that I acquired my stage fright. I was never again able to confidently take the stage without some significant preparation of my nerves. I won't lie and say that it was all Hal Galper's fault. But he did contribute to my issue and I have yet to figure out how to undo my fears. Maybe I should give Hal a call.

Green Tunes: Episode 2

When Nick is fussy, it almost always helps when I put him in his swing and sing him songs while accompanying myself on guitar. I've been able to practice a lot of songs this way and I have noticed that I'm getting better at playing all of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at open mic night. Anyway, singing songs not only settles him down but is even starting to make him happy when he hears certain songs. I don't know what in particular he likes about them.

So I think it goes without saying that the songs I play to Nick are songs that I enjoy, especially if I can stand them enough to play them the hundred or so times that I need to learn all the chords (always by ear from the track) and the lyrics. So the next few Green Tunes episodes will probably be culled from those choices. The song I present today is, in They Might Be Giants fan circles, a classic. In some cases, even non-fans have heard this song and know it. The song is Particle Man from their 1990 major label debut, Flood. I think this might be Nick's favorite. All I have to do is play the opening chords and he starts to smile even if he's been fussing.

The video I've chosen isn't a perfect performance of the song. That's why I like it, though. One thing music school did for me was to give me a very palpable sense of stage fright. Thanks, Hal Galper! (I'll tell the story later.) Anyway, when I see stuff like this it reminds me that music is fun and that most normal people don't care that every note is spot on perfect in every way. (Although as we should still aspire to perfection, we can't expect to achieve it!) ((Sorry (about) all the) parentheticals!)

Particle man, particle man
Doing the things a particle can
What's he like? It's not important
Particle man

Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When he's underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows, Particle man

Triangle man, Triangle man
Triangle man hates particle man
They have a fight, Triangle wins
Triangle man

Universe man, Universe man
Size of the entire universe man
Usually kind to smaller man
Universe man

He's got a watch with a minute hand,
Millennium hand and an eon hand
When they meet it's a happy land
Powerful man, universe man

Person man, person man
Hit on the head with a frying pan
Lives his life in a garbage can
Person man

Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with person man?
Degraded man, person man

Triangle man, triangle man
Triangle man hates person man
They have a fight, triangle wins
Triangle man

Are You Fussier than a 4-Month Old?: The Stroller Saga Continues

In the past month, Nick has become acclimated to the car seat entirely on his own. He doesn't mind being put into it and doesn't ever cry simply because he's in the seat. Other peripheral issues are an entirely different matter but that's to be expected. The point is that we now know it has absolutely nothing to do with the seat or any of the belt adjustments.

He is, however, still crying in the stroller. I tried taking him out yesterday but he cried the whole trip away from the house. Once I decided to turn around, I took him out of the car seat and just propped him up with a blanket in the stroller proper. Physically, he's not quite ready for that, but I was extremely curious to know if it would help and it was another suggestion I received from an old schoolmate. He was fine the whole way home except for one outburst that I think I can attribute to a combination of wet diaper and being ready for a nap.

Today I didn't even use the car seat. I propped him up in the stroller with the blanket right away and started walking. He did not immediately start crying this time which is a good sign. We probably walked for a good twenty minutes before he started to fuss and even then he never resorted to screaming. I'm going to continue to try this under the assumption that things will get better now that he will have more to look at.

The only thing that still bugs me about him (and this is global, not just relating to the stroller) is that he will rarely fall asleep unless he is in a prone position. Obviously this makes trips to the grocery store or the mall a race against the clock. As nap times get closer and closer, that lower lip starts to pout more and more often until finally the dam bursts and out wails pour forth from his wide-open reservoir. I'm not concerned about this, it's just something one of those behaviors that I wish were different but don't have the energy or desire to change it.

Someday we'll wish this was the only thing we had to think about but I reserve my right to write about all of it anyway!

Green Tunes: Episode 1

One of my cohorts in crime over there in the links section does something called Musical Mondays and I really like the idea so I'm stealing it. Thanks Alise! I don't plan on doing anything weekly, but once in a while, I'd like to share an earworm that's been wriggling through my head and why I like it so much. On a particular side note, I am not offended by profanity, but I will take it out of the printed lyrics and try to find bleeped videos simply out of respect for some of my readers who may find it offensive.

For episode one, I present Proceed, a song by Philadelphia rap outfit The Roots, from their 1994 album Do You Want More?!!!??! The keyboard harmonies melt along a jazzy chromatic pattern in response to one of the tightest and catchiest bass riffs I've heard in any rap song. The whole sandwich is held together by none other than ?uestlove, their ubiquitous drummer. Even when I first heard this song and had no idea what they were saying, I was mesmerized by the incredible musicality of these raw, perfectly interlocking parts. This video contains the lryical censors seen below.

Chorus:

I shall, proceed
And continue, to rock the mic

Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?
Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?
Jeff X can rock the mic with tooth decay
I be the 5 foot 7, residing at the mecca lesson south section
Used to cut class in the infinite pursuit of ---
Back in eighty-six
Easy with the chics I was a chocolate boy
Raised in the cellar with the rhythm like Ella
Walking down the south streets to the subway where I lay
Til the train stop then a ----- hop
Used to do the pop dance to the planet rock
At the block party everybody jocked [who me?]
It's the MC sucka ------ envy
I got my contract in 1993 and
I shall proceed

Chorus

I wake up early in the morning, I mean early afternoon
Break a lyrical hymn off the stem like boom
I'm flyer when I'm higher put my ---- up on my tomb
That ----- represented on the 28th of June
I'm representing Philly on the 28th of June
I can make you feel that I'm a surreal cartoon
with my pistol in the face of hip hop, stick in your face
Because I'm on a paper chase, yes I'm on a paper chase
My Timberlands are fully laced I be the Mr. Boogeyman
With records from 125th to Japan
I laid them play like Johnny Hathaway and shake a hand, shake a hand
Your lady tried to kick it, but I couldn't play my man
My ------ is my ------ ya see she didn't understand
I shake your hand and ----'ll hit the fan, just think
Just think, what? What if you could just, just blink, what?
Just blink yourself away?

Chorus

Malik B get on the mic yo there's too much on my mind [say what?]
Malik get on the mic, there's too much on my mind
Johnny on the spot, got the rhythm and the rhyme
------- with The Roots you know them ------ is the dime
I can make a hundred yard line start to dash
I can make a whole lake of fish start to splash
I can make Conan and the Titans clash
I can Metallica and Guns 'N Roses thrash
Used to smash crash parties like I was disturbed
Used to make plots against the herringbone herb
But now, all I do disperse the verb
And like a nerd i can make you say, "He's superb"
Word is perfect, never ever shall you misinterpret
I move styles like bowels so now you know I'm worth it
Direct from Philly, the lands where ------ scheme
So you know I got the sheen in my gleam

Chorus

Monster of the Milky Way

I just had a chance to watch the last half of an episode of Nova this morning before taking Nick to the doctor's office. It's all about black holes and how we're discovering that their roles in the universe are different than we once thought. Instead of being merely giant dumping grounds that absorb matter, which they do indeed do, they also play a part in ejecting matter back into the universe at massive and spectacular scales. Specifically, it addresses the black hole that is now known to be (very probably) at the center of our own galaxy and what that means for our galaxy's future. If you have a chance to watch this episode in HD on your local PBS affiliate, it's adept at presenting the material in an exciting way with amazing visuals and an exciting and tense musical score.

Our you can watch it on the web in episodic chunks at the link that follows. Nova - Monster of the Milky Way

Antisocial Networking

Social networking sites, places like MySpace and Facebook, seem to be all the rage right now, at least with my generation, the X'ers. The Millenials, those college students you can easily spot looking like they lived through the 1980s but were probably only born half way through them at best, have probably moved on to trendier, more hip sections of the internet. But that's OK. They haven't had enough time to really separate themselves from their roots yet. They don't use the social networking sites for the same reason I use them: to avoid social networking.

I, like so many others, get bitten by the nostalgia bug occasionally. I get the urge to want to say hello to someone I haven't seen in a couple of decades. Traditionally, I think the high school reunion was used for this purpose. Every willing person from the class comes home for one night to see how their old friends are doing and to put their measuring sticks up against their old classmates. How bald am I compared to John? How fat am I compared to Jane? How much have we really changed? How much, indeed. But places like Facebook eliminate the hassle for someone like me.

I was listening to a repeat podcast of This American Life about The Prom. One of the girls interviewed had an epiphany at the prom: she never needed to come back to high school after that night. I realized that she was absolutely right when I thought about my own senior prom. I wasn't an incredibly popular guy in high school but I wouldn't say I was on the bottom of the social ladder either. I was stranded in the middle, able to look down on the poor saps below me who hadn't figured out how to rise above their own stations but unable rise much higher due to my love of band, choir, and theater and my complete non-interest in sports. Because of this, or perhaps in spite of it, I invited a lot of people to my parent's house as one of the many after-prom locations. I was surprised when a lot of them showed up. Perhaps it was the table tennis. But maybe they liked me. After all the speculation, I'm pretty sure it was the table tennis. For the most part, the majority of people that came departed once they'd had enough of it. After all, mine was a party without alcohol, without drugs, without those rites of passage for so many teens. Also, I was still in the middle of the ladder. It's been great not really knowing you!

Which brings me back to Facebook. I could have called everyone that showed up to my house that night a friend at that moment. But were we really friends or was my place just somewhere to go before the real parties began? Do we have that much to relive? One night of Ping-Pong? I can log in to my Facebook account and say hello to almost any of the people that I'd like to see, say hello, ask how they're doing, and log out. It's completely voluntary. I don't have to spend time chatting up the guy who used to knock my books out of my hands about how he loves his job selling insurance or the jock who would yell at me for not really caring about the gym class basketball game. I know that we're (supposedly) all adults now, that we can see how ridiculously we treated each other as teenagers. But I don't feel like I need to prove that I'm grown up. I already did that by leaving in the first place. I don't want to hang around and forcibly, uncomfortably chat with anyone from the old days. But if you feel like it, look me up on Facebook.

P.S. I know I'm misusing the term antisocial with this post, but I couldn't resist because I love this song.

Irresponsibility

I received this forward in my inbox recently:

Please navigate to this website to sign the online petition asking Congress to (merely) open "exploration of proven energy reserves".

The exact quote of the request is:
"We, therefore, the undersigned citizens of the United States, petition the U.S. Congress to act immediately to lower gasoline prices by authorizing the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries."

This was the personal addendum to the forwarded request. I have removed all of the personal details.

My personal back story.
When I first arrived with my family in [somewhere] in April of 2000, the price of regular unleaded gasoline was $1.35.
I was followed into the 'Jiffy' gas station...by [a] photographer. The following morning [in the newspaper], my photo appeared on B1, during an unusual downturn in local gas prices, 10% lower than they were in [somewhere else] one day before.

At the time I knew gas prices were only destined to rise higher, who could have guessed that the prices would be just below $4.00 per gallon a mere 8 years later!!

We found that that environmental concerns (dire predictions of irreparable harm) were not only addressed with the drilling of Prudhoe Bay and the Alyeska Pipeline, but ultimately grew the migrating Caribou herds. Deafening silence could be their only response.

Plans to drill in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve (A.N.W.A.R.) have much-enhanced plans to protect animal, vegetation and scenic wilderness resources over and far beyond those that succeeded beyond wildest estimations when the Alyeska Pipeline was completed in 1977. [For more firsthand facts, visit: http://www.alyeska-pipe.com/Default.asp]

Please consider a rational scientific approach to your own personal search for Truth in this matter. Do not become entangled in your genuine desire to do something good for the environment, while our worst enemies only celebrate our apparent paralysis, while reaping in vast wealth that serves only to fund our demise.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion even if I disagree with it, but I feel it's disingenuous to say that my opinion is "entangled" in my own "genuine desire to do something good for the environment", thereby automatically implying that my own opinions count for nothing because they are they somehow cannot be separated from my emotions, which by the way, is a purely feminine quality and one not fit for real men. This a good debate tactic, one that states it's opinion and simultaneously discredits the opposite while implying that I may be some kind of sissy-man, but it doesn't get us to any forward-thinking solutions or even compromises. Also, the evidence that I am being provided to make the informed decision that I would need to make in order to sign such a petition is questionable. I would be hard-pressed to believe everything that I read at the website that is owned by the company that runs the Alyeska Pipeline.

In the long run, there is more to think about with this issue than the construction of a pipeline, it's environmental impact, and our wallets. There is also the very real problem of carbon emissions and global warming. As far as I'm concerned, anyone in the professional scientific community who disagrees that the issue is real is either a corporate shill or has been bought by the current administration. Our previous method of fossil fuel dependency is no longer valid. We must move forward. We have the technology NOW to abandon fossil fuels and improve the prospects of our future family's lives, but it will take the efforts of the whole world to step in and do something about it. In the U.S., it will take the government's eliminating the safe legal havens for the oil companies. With the condition of the market, why are they still seeing record profits? We had an electric car on the roads a decade ago, the EV-1, but it was quickly and mysteriously squashed. If we want to talk about signing petitions, how about the U.S. catching up with the rest of the world and signing the Kyoto Protocol. We cannot be so arrogant as to think that we can decide the fate of the entire planet unilaterally. We are not the rootenest tootenest cowpokes on the block.

If I haven't made it abundantly clear, I will not be signing any petitions for what I think is an irresponsible and short-sighted Band-Aid solution.

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Now playing: Printed Circuit (remixed by Fingernail) - Goggles (Fingernail Remix)
via FoxyTunes

Burgers, Beer, and Baby

I am proud of us, Amy and I. I'm proud of ourselves for overcoming our own fears this weekend. We're making progress and gaining confidence every week. We went out on a personal limb and took Nick out twice this weekend to friends' gatherings for the Memorial Day. Saturday evening, we went over to Curtis and Tara's for some barbecue, burgers, and beer. Both Nick and his parents did pretty well. He got seriously fussy a couple of times but we were able to put him into the front carrier and have him settle down there. Then, Sunday, we were invited to Claudiu and Autumn's for lunch and games. Nick spent some good awake time with us and napped on their bed when he got tired.

We also tried something new with the car seat. We removed the little head support thing we'd been using since he was a newborn since he really doesn't need it anymore. He got fussy only once during one of the travel sessions and didn't have any meltdowns at all. The litmus test for the removal of the head support will be the stroller when I get a chance later this week.

Oh, and Nick's doing well too.

Are You Fussier than a 3-Month-Old?

I think there might be about eleven children between most of the regular readers of my ramblings here. It is to you that I pose the following questions. When your kids were infants, was there something that they had to do that they absolutely did not enjoy doing? How did you get them to do it, reasonably speaking of course?

My query is specifically related to the fact that Nicholas will absolutely not sit in his car seat without screaming. Not crying, not fussing, screaming. It wouldn't even be too bad if we didn't have to use the car seat when we take him for walks in the stroller. I had grand plans of taking him for a walk every nice day while I've been off. I rolled that back to once a week because he starts screaming the moment I put him in the seat until the moment I take him out. Just today, I did an experiment to see how long he could keep it up. Turns out he can go at least half an hour. We walked for 40 minutes and he screamed and cried for most of it. At one point he had fallen asleep for a few blocks but woke up when a motorcycle drove past. As soon as I pulled him out of the seat, he was fine.

I can't be sure yet but I'm guessing that Nick just wants to be carried. That's fine sometimes, but nobody can carry him all the time. I couldn't even if I wanted to do it.

I'm just beside myself about this. I want to take him out in public. I want be mobile with this baby. Both Amy and I do. But we don't and aren't for this very reason. We don't go anywhere with him unless we absolutely have to. When I'm by myself, I get the "bad dad" glances enough to know that it isn't just my imagination and I'm sure Amy has experienced the "bad mom" glances or whatever else you might call them.

If you have any experience with this specific kind of problem, I'd love to hear how you handled it. Remember, Nick is three months old so toddler resolutions and dealing are beyond him at this point. Thanks in advance.

UPDATE 5/22/08: I took him out again today. I tried a different time of the day when it was a little cooler. He didn't cry nearly as much today and fell asleep for the majority of the walk. We even went on the long hour walk path and he slept most of the way. He did start crying and screaming when we first started out though. I'd love to see him be content and awake at some point. Since he's able to sleep in the seat, I don't think it's a comfort issue. We have the straps adjusted for him. I think maybe I will try walking him around without the straps once to see if they might be a culprit. Process of elimination. Thanks all for your suggestions and I'll see if I can keep up with some progress reports now and again just to keep a written record of it (not to bore you all to death).

They're Not The World

An old parody by Culturcide that's a little melodramatic, but otherwise something that's still worth thinking about.

Nick Pics 3: Dream Warriors

Does this shirt make me look fat?


Nicholas and cousin Hillary.


Nicholas and great Aunt Angie.


Hurry up and take it, he's going to cry at any moment!


Nicholas in dreamland.
(Just kidding.)

Indeed.

Safety Clips

The other day, I was putting Nick into his chair that bounces and vibrates so that Amy and I could get our dinner ready. There is a strap that comes up between his legs with two clips to the sides of it to keep him from throwing himself out of it at any moment. So I'm chatting him up, trying to get a smile and succeeding, feeling really good about being a dad and all.

Let's get lefty!

Click.

One clip done.

Ok? Can you smile for daddy?

*smile*

Yay! Ok, now we'll put righty in.

Click (with a little resistance...)

(What's wrong with this clip now?)

WWWWAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I accidentally clipped his butter fat thigh while I was playing with him and he had every right to scream in my ear for a few minutes. I felt so terrible. He even had a little bruise where I got him. Of course, he's just fine, but I felt so incredibly awful about it.

One Little Victory

In the past, I have used this blog to vent some of my frustrations about Nicholas. I can now understand that a large part of those frustrations were due mostly to being new parents. Amy and I had almost nine full years together without children before Nick came along. We knew that having a child would be adjustment, but I'm convinced now that nobody can ever claim to have a clue about raising children until they actually do it themselves. I do not mean to say that we are being inundated with poor advice. I am trying say that we could never have fully comprehended all of the realities of caring for an infant because neither of us had ever done it to this extent. In addition, we'd become so used to only caring for ourselves and each other that the adjustment wasn't the smoothest transition.

But our stamina is noticeably improving. I have noticed changes in myself that are simply astounding (to me). Today I was finally able to walk Nick for an extended period of time, almost an hour, without becoming frustrated by the constant pacing. Nick needed to take his nap. He was so tired that he could barely hold a cry and his eyes would droop with every step, but he would not be put down. After fifty minutes had passed, and multiple attempts to set him down failed, he finally fell asleep soundly in my arms enough to be laid in his crib without startling awake and I could finally take that shower that I'd promised myself. That may not seem like much to most of you. But for me, it's a milestone. I felt proud of myself. I haven't handled a situation like that in quite the way that I did until that moment.

This is a small moment, one little victory in a sea of failures. I know we have a long way to go. I know that the way we care for him will be an ever-shifting target. But I'm proud of being able to make the changes that I've made in myself for his sake. I'm proud of feeling like I've met a milestone.

Poesysteme: Markmark Xydenden

My latest piece entitled "Markmark Xydenden".

markmark xydenden ter mark
markladentmarkmark markmark mark
markmark outcutmarkden dentact
dentact dentactactdent oneden
mark xyonemarking markdent out
markladentmarkmark mark den out
dentactactdent xydenden den
ter den dentmarksphsty ter

Like I said before, it's far from genius and it's a little disappointing when the poems tend toward the repetitive, but it's pretty entertaining while it lasts.

Word Games

I have a penchant for offbeat games. Over the years, I have moved away from being instantly dazzled by graphics and sound when game play itself hasn't changed at all. I'm looking at you, most first-person shooters. So during the past couple of weeks, I've had a chance to check out a few pretty amazing little independent games thanks in part to the free games list at freegames.1up.com.

One title with which I've spent more time than expected is Poesysteme. An explanation of the game is somewhat difficult because it's not really a game at all. In the fashion of a simulation game, you are able to place grass, trees, and what look like oil splotches around an isometric grid. In true word nerd fashion, the grass is formed entirely of punctuation marks and the trees display similar theatrics. Then, you can also place words which then wander around the grid breaking apart and combining with other words that you place to form new words. At any time, you can hit the space bar to see a poem made from some of the words you've let run around the world. It always ends up being nonsensical but it can be very entertaining. If I can find a place to freely host audio that lets me embed it here at the Green, I'll make a recording of one of the Macintosh voices reading one of my nonsense poems to put on display here. If you'd like to see the game in action without actually playing it, someone has already provided you an option:



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Now playing: Roy Haynes - If I Could
via FoxyTunes

Nick Pics: Episode 2

OK, so it's been another two weeks since my last post. I've always been told that patience is its own reward. And I never really believed it either.

Moving on, Nicholas is growing and changing every day. He almost-smiles at us quite a bit now. We're still not sure if he's really happy about us playing with him or trying to fart, but we'll take anything we can get. He's generally a more pleasant creature to be around these days, despite some minor exceptions like our 40-minute scream-a-thon yesterday. For anyone with a "Maybe he's..." on the tip of their tongues, he had been given his Mylecon, he was dry, clean, fed, warm, and being held and bounced so after that I give up.

When Ian and Rachel were visiting a couple weekends ago, their son Lucian took a few opportunities to check out the scene.


This was Nick about two weeks after his birthday.


And here his is at eight weeks. This is one of my favorite images of him so far. I love his expression. So funny.


One day, Amy went to the grocery store and I stayed home to babysit. She came home to one jealous kitty.


Here he is all dressed up with nowhere to go, which is apprently quite upsetting for babies.

Helpful Visitors

We've had a couple of busy weekends since my last post. Amy's parents and grandmother were out for Easter weekend. Thankfully, they had already planned to stay Friday night near Toledo and come the rest of the way on Saturday morning because the weather, as you might have seen in my previous post, was not really conducive for travel. They gave us the best Easter present ever and watched Nick for a couple of hours that night while Amy and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. They actually trusted us to come back. Perhaps we'll take advantage of that in the future.

This weekend, Ian, Rachel, Lucian, and Joel are visiting and have also been a big moral support. On Saturday, Ian, Joel, and I headed up to Oconomowoc, WI for the Midwest Gaming Classic. I was a little disappointed that AtariAge wasn't there. Neither was another vendor who usually sells reconditioned Atari controllers. I was hoping to pick up a pair of paddle controllers this year, but it looks like Ebay for me. I did get to pick up a copy of Dreamfall, the sequel to The Longest Journey for a fiver as well as Hotel Dusk: Room 215, a game I wanted to get when it out, then didn't thinking it would be available for quite a while given the hype, then couldn't because it was no longer being distributed new and had disappeared from many used shelves after winning a handful of media awards at the end of last year.

Nick continues to do well. He no longer looks as slim as he did after he lost some of his birth weight. He's chubbing right up and looks as round as ever. He's also getting much better at tracking sights and sounds and it's nice to have him try to look in our direction when we say good morning. Amy's starting to pump so I'll get another baby task added to my list, which is not necessarily a bad thing and I'm glad to be able to help her. It's just that I'm not exempt anymore! Finally, I'm working through about an hour of video footage to compile into a DVD of his first few weeks. Lots of funny faces and lying about staring at lights... only recommended for family! ;)

Happy Spring!

Who knew that the season's arrival would mean six inches of snow?





For those of you who moved to California recently (and you know who you are), consider yourselves lucky that you missed all of this. I've said previously that I like snow and I wasn't lying when I said it. But a man has limits. A man has limits.

Infantile Pendular Motion

During particularly difficult periods of the day (and night), I am reading to Amy aloud from The Second Nine Months by Vicki Glembocki. The first chapter mirrored our own experience so well that it compelled me to read it aloud instead of to ourselves, which I know wouldn't have happened for Amy until after those nine months are up. The screaming, the screaming, the never ending screaming. Both of us have had moments of pure joy tempered the next by feelings of total inadequacy and frustration and the author does a decent job of capturing and describing that swinging pendulum on both sides of the arc.

One thing the author said that struck me, and this must be a hundred times worse for the women than the men, is that to admit that you're sick of your kid, to admit that sometimes you just can't stand their existence, is (in my words) a cardinal sin of early parenthood. A new mother (or father) is just not supposed to say those things. Do you doubt me? You shouldn't.

To lighten the tone of this post just a little, I would like to thank all of our mother friends who have left advice here and elsewhere. It's important to have people by your side to give you support when you need it and we appreciate all of you and what you have to say. So far, though, nothing seems to work well for Nick's feeding time. It's impossible to keep him awake. But we're no longer worrying too much about it. He gained two pounds in the last two weeks and we don't expect that to diminish. Between that empirical confirmation of the doctor's scale that he is getting the food he needs and knowing that you, my dear readers, have our backs, we have enough support to get the job done and Amy thanks you vicariously through me.