Drifting?

What happens when you run out of goals? What does life look like without a dream to drive you? I've never known. I've almost always had a goal of some sort. Sometimes they were quite small. Keep my girlfriend. That's a good one. Complete school. Another good one. Then they got larger. Make something of myself. In my case I wanted to make audio for video games. That one was a huge one. I even remember what year I figured that one out. 1996.

So I worked really hard to get there. I did everything I could to learn what to do and everything within my power to figure out how to get there. That little idea took me a long way from home and a long time to figure out. But even with the effort I put in, I never quite made it. I got comfortably sidetracked with decent jobs that were related but not nearly the same thing.

Now I find myself in a quandary that I haven't experienced for a long time. See, I keep thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and the strange thing is, I don't know anymore. Things haven't quite turned out the way I'd hoped with my current goals and opportunities. I'm sticking with it for the time being, but I'm just not sure about the long-term potential for satisfaction. The truly difficult part for me to accept is that my goal became my expertise. My whole life for the past thirteen years has been driven by that single directive and after a lot of thinking I've found that I just don't want to do that anymore. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why. One major reason is that things aren't the same. What I wanted to do 8, 9, 10 years ago has completely reinvented itself many times over and I've lost track of the skills.

So what do you do when you the path you've taken has come to what seems like a dead end? It would kill me to turn around and go back. I'm all about trudging forward. But I don't know where to go anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't really know who I am like I once did. It's been a long time since I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. When you're 14, you know you have your whole life ahead of you to figure it out. At 34, you don't have that luxury anymore.

This entry was inspired by a long-forgotten song that came up on the iPod today. It's by a long-forgotten band, The Gin Blossoms and it's called "29".

Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories

Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...

Green Tunes: Episode 8

I was looking for some workout music the other day and came across Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood which I haven't listened to in a long time in any real way. Sure, the title track and Kickstart My Heart have been on the radio many times, but I hadn't listened to the whole album start to finish in many years. It really stands as a testament to the hair metal formula. It's well written, well produced, some filler, some killer, an overall fun experience and no pretensions to anything more. I can't help but be a little self indulgent with this one because it is still a very fun album after these past 20 years and a lot of takes me right back.

1. T.N.T. (Terror 'N Tinseltown) - This is that filler I mentioned. Just a sound piece to lead into Dr. Feelgood. Skip it.

2. Dr. Feelgood - If you were under 30 in 1989, you've probably heard this one. I like the song, but I like some of the others on the album a lot better. Those ones just aren't quite clean enough for the radio play they needed for this to be as big as it was.

3. Slice of Your Pie - If I remember correctly, Warrant was the other band writing songs about pie in the late '80s. While the Warrant track was a fine single regardless how lame the double entendre is, this track is a slick sex romp, typical of most the Crue's output. The blusey riff, doubled on bass, gives the song a really fantastic low end, which as a metaphor, cannot be a happy accident considering the lyrics. This is a great album cut, but they get better.