You're Going To Kill Somebody!

I have been commuting to work by bicycle for a total of three weeks now and if there were such a thing, I probably would have earned my first merit badge. On Wednesday morning, I was pedalling to work on Lincoln Ave approaching the 'Y' intersection where Lincoln becomes Main street to the left or remains Lincoln and enters downtown Skokie to the right. Because my path to work takes me through Skokie on Lincoln Ave., there is no need for me to signal any lane changes or turns because I stay in the right lane. So, I was riding, as I always did, as close to the right side of the road as possible and going an average speed for a bicycle, probably between 10 and 15mph.

Suddenly, there was some commotion behind me as a larger vehicle that I could not see sounded a long, angry blast on its horn and revved its engine as if another vehicle had pulled in front of it too quickly. As this happened I thought, "Boy, someone must have done something really dangerous at the last minute while approaching this intersection!" or something to that effect. As I continued through the right fork of the 'Y' intersection on Lincoln, a large white pickup truck which looked to be a very large model of Dodge Ram sped past me as the driver spouted expletives at the unseen offender. I won't repeat exactly what the driver was yelling despite the fact that it was loud enough to hear perfectly, but it went something like this: "Coitus you, you sexual intercourse-having anal sphincter! You're going to kill somebody!"

As I couldn't see the crime that had just been perpetrated, I continued to pedal forward albeit a bit more slowly just in case the driver behind him decided to follow suit and chase him a bit. However, after a couple of minutes, no other cars passed me and I realized that the driver of the truck had been screaming at the top of his lungs at me! My mind quickly retraced my last few actions and I couldn't think of one thing that I had done differently than I had on any of my other commutes. Of all the drivers that had ever passed me at that intersection, none had ever had such a large issue with my presence. They were able to pass me safely and with plenty of room to their left but without all of the angry cursing.

Now, I hadn't stopped riding in order to attempt to guess what crime I had just committed against this upstanding lump of stinking citizenry, so I inevitably caught up with him at a traffic light further down the road. As I pulled up behind him, I could see him glaring at me in his right sideview mirror, still fuming and spouting expletives at me in the same vein as what I have previously reported. He was really getting into his long string of elaborate curses against me, my family, and all that I had ever produced on this earth (or at least I assume that those were the subjects of his verbal barbs becuase at this point, most of it was unintelligible). So, just to show that I held no hard feelings against him, that I would never in a million years wish to severly cripple him with an aluminum baseball bat or shred his genitals with a Garden Weasel, I summoned the biggest goofy smile I could muster and I waved at him. This incensed him even further and his face began to contort with rage as he spat what must have been the granddaddy of all insults at me. I was quite disappointed because I only wish I could have heard what it was.

As the light turned green, we began to move again while he continued to curse at me, so I held my arms up, both in a curled position like a body builder, doing my best to tell him with primitive sign language that he was the strongest, most powerful man that I had ever made fun of. He sped down the road and out of sight at blinding speed, probably running over any small furry animals or elderly people that happened to have the audacity to try to slow him down. Indeed, "You're going to kill somebody!", screamed the man driving well above the speed limit in his two-ton pickup truck while hurling obscenities at the man riding the 30 pound bicycle.