So I worked really hard to get there. I did everything I could to learn what to do and everything within my power to figure out how to get there. That little idea took me a long way from home and a long time to figure out. But even with the effort I put in, I never quite made it. I got comfortably sidetracked with decent jobs that were related but not nearly the same thing.
Now I find myself in a quandary that I haven't experienced for a long time. See, I keep thinking about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life and the strange thing is, I don't know anymore. Things haven't quite turned out the way I'd hoped with my current goals and opportunities. I'm sticking with it for the time being, but I'm just not sure about the long-term potential for satisfaction. The truly difficult part for me to accept is that my goal became my expertise. My whole life for the past thirteen years has been driven by that single directive and after a lot of thinking I've found that I just don't want to do that anymore. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why. One major reason is that things aren't the same. What I wanted to do 8, 9, 10 years ago has completely reinvented itself many times over and I've lost track of the skills.
So what do you do when you the path you've taken has come to what seems like a dead end? It would kill me to turn around and go back. I'm all about trudging forward. But I don't know where to go anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't really know who I am like I once did. It's been a long time since I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. When you're 14, you know you have your whole life ahead of you to figure it out. At 34, you don't have that luxury anymore.
This entry was inspired by a long-forgotten song that came up on the iPod today. It's by a long-forgotten band, The Gin Blossoms and it's called "29".
Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...
4 comments:
Well that's a total downer!
But seriously, I totally get what you're talking about. I think the addition of family responsibilities really changes goals a lot too. It's one thing to take some risks when it's just your own well-being at stake, a lot different when you've got others depending on you.
Don't know what the answer is other than to be at least a little bit open to new opportunities that come along.
That's a tough place to be in.
But, when you have a family, I've found goals to turn more 'external' than internal. Suddenly, your goals become for your family instead of you. While you strive to internally become the best person you can be so that you can instill those values into that precious little life, you find yourself on new paths and roads to travel. Maybe finding some family goals together will help?
Of course everyone's paths differ, as you are well aware~ we personally have a goal to become 'simpler'. To quit chasing and running the rat race just to get more stuff. As we quit striving, our goals to just 'enjoy' one another- together- such as on a simple bike trail, become suddenly quite significant and fullfilling.
Hope that doesn't sound too wacky--
on the other side of that-- we, too, are still deciding just what to do when we grow up :)
Thank you both for your comments. You have both basically struck the nail on the head with the kinds of things I'm considering. None of them sound at all wacky. I'm struggling with the same decision, Jen. Keep running the race for stuff or just step back and live.
I think the really tough part is that my career literally revolves around that "stuff" you're talking about and boy is it expensive stuff. Just browse Sweetwater.com and you'll see what I mean. The other catch is that if I get out for a while, it's not easy getting back in due to low job counts and sky-high demand for those jobs, especially if you haven't kept up with the shifts in technology. In three short years, you can be two whole cycles behind, which can seem like light years (Moore's Law).
To be honest, Amy is the real bread winner in the family, but with me working we can live comfortably, without much worry about the future. Take my job out of the equation and suddenly we're pinching pennies and counting coupons again. Not to mention the regret I would feel for spending so much cash on an education that I may not use in the future. *sigh*
It's a hard decision and I've decided to consider things for at least another school year until I reach any conclusions.
Visions are a good thing to have-- "...for without vision, men perish..." And it's a good thing for Nicholas to grow up seeing his parents hard at work, which in turn instills a good work ethic- something lacking so much in today's world.
Just don't miss out on those important things in his life. Take time to smell those roses--
Don't wait for the circumstances to be 'perfect' to enjoy the little things in life-- before you know it, that little guy will be 10 years old and you'll wonder what was so important that you couldn't find time to stop and read a book... go for a nature walk... fly a kite...
And when you figure out what to do when you grow up, please let us know-- maybe it would give us a few ideas :)
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