I suffered a little blow to my ego again recently. Basically, my career is in the toilet and I don't know how to get it back out. As a result, according to my counselor, I've been experiencing many symptoms of loss, depression being one. I started Prozac two months ago, but it still didn't control my rapid mood swings, sometimes daily, up and down, up and down. It can be dizzying and frustrating living like that. I went over two weeks only getting 3-5 hours of sleep a day. I played a lot of video games to keep my mind off my troubles. It was during that time that I had the dream I wrote about previously.
Suddenly, things seemed so clear to me and I started to write it all down. There was so much going through my head that I knew I wouldn't get to it all before my son woke up for the day. But you know what happened? I got back to it when he was napping and reread what I had written. It was all true. But it was no epiphany. Just a lot of words that I had already been through many times before. It was then that I began wondering about mood swings.
The next time I saw my psychiatrist, we did another bipolar screening. I answered yes to more questions this time after clarification of some of the possible examples of symptoms. The medicine I got was expensive. I don't want to be on it for long. I'm not really sure how long I'll be on it.
But here's the thing. Since I have nothing else going for me right now, I've started a running program called Couch to 5k. Well, I started like a typical beginner at first, running as far and as fast as I could muster, but ending up hurting by the end of it. But since I'd been told about this program by a friend, I thought I'd try it. I'm currently on my second day and I was able to complete my longest distance yet, about two and half miles with a pace of about 12:30. It was raining. It was windy. It was cold. When I got back to the house I was tired and soaked. But I felt great. Better than I have in a long time.
If what I had was no epiphany and merely the overactive misfirings of my synapses, so be it. Since I've started running, I've given myself the only real goal I have left. To get healthier. And job or no job, it feels damn good.
5 comments:
A friend of mine mentioned the Couch to 5K before. I know I need to do it because I always feel so much better mentally when I'm active physically.
Good luck with figuring out the whole brain thing. I know with Jason it was a really long process to come to the bipolar diagnosis, and finding meds that worked has been even longer. But having the right dx has been amazingly beneficial here. I really do wish you well.
And if you'd ever like to guest post for the Not Alone series over at my blog, you know I'd love to have you. I think it's worse for guys and a male perspective, even in the middle of it, would be really awesome. Just throwing it out there, my friend!
I saw your request. I'd really love to. I've just been really busy with a small audio gig plus taking care of the kid and the house and I wanted to be sure I had the time for it. Oh, the trials of the SAHD. I think I'd like to change that acronym to RAHD, Rocking At-Home Dad.
No rush. I should have posts through the end of the year, but if you'd like to write something, I'd really appreciate it. If you find that you have time in the next month or so, shoot me a message. Thanks so much!
And I have no doubt that you are, in fact, a RAHD.
You should write your own 80s workout montage music! Here is some inspiration from someone who did:
http://www.biglionmusic.com/music-release/gym-training-montage
PS - I have been running at least once a week for 24 years, it's my secret to avoiding depression.
PPS - Sorry I am terrible friend but school is killing all other aspects of my life. Winter break should give an opportunity to catch up though.
Don't worry, fool, you're not a terrible friend. :) I know you're busy. I am too. Two year olds are a lot of work!! Thanks for the linkage. I'll check it out soon. And here's my PS - I'm really liking my running days and starting to not care about losing weight, just being able to run.
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