That header image at the top of the screen? It is not a stock image. That's a view of the top of the hill behind my back yard. It's a large stretch of what we understand to be protected grassland, special to the area for a particular combination of flora that is unique to this area of the country and rare in these modern times. It's one of the main reasons we bought the house that we did. We don't feel like we live in the sardine suburbia that we do because of the view that we have. In the summer we have sat on the deck and enjoyed the sounds of an owl calling in the fading dusk. In the winter, we have watched an ocean of snow howl and thrash its way across the barren stretch of field as it was whipped by the wind. And that all might change if the local power company is allowed to complete their proposed project of building a power park on the land.
We got the notice for an open house meeting on the subject scheduled for next week. I'm really torn up about this. I feel as though another weight has been added to my shoulders, another yoke to my burden. It's not that I won't fight. I will if I can, if I'm given the opportunity. It's that I'm tired. I'm already fighting on other fronts. I feel as though my creativity is stalling. I'm wondering what the point of it all might be. I can pour my heart and soul into what I do yet it still falls on so many disinterested ears. In addition, my career is stalled and I don't know how to proceed or where to turn next. I have yet to figure that out. When it all came crashing down around my ears last summer, I could look out my back window and know that I was not leaving this wonderful view. It was one of the few things that made me happy that I was not leaving. But now that view, that one thing that made me happy, might change anyway.
As I'm writing this, I'm trying to figure out why this potential situation with losing a beautiful view to towering power lines is affecting me the way it is. I believe it's because I see this as a metaphor for my current state of mind. I'm wondering exactly how far down is down? How many times can life kick me when I'm already on the ground? Why can't I have and keep something that I love, something as sublime and simple as a view from my window? I haven't been able to keep friends, haven't been able to keep jobs or a career, haven't been able to turn the corner on finding a way to use my skills and talents in any useful way. I feel trapped in a prison of my own design and that view has at least been available through the bars of my venetian blinds for the past year and a half, the one ray of hope I've held on to since things turned bad.
I don't know what will happen with that view. I don't know what will happen with a lot of things. But I do know that I'm tired things happening right now. The past three years has seen a lot of change in my life and I'm ready for some stability. I just want to feel like I'm home. Is that too much to ask?
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