During particularly difficult periods of the day (and night), I am reading to Amy aloud from The Second Nine Months by Vicki Glembocki. The first chapter mirrored our own experience so well that it compelled me to read it aloud instead of to ourselves, which I know wouldn't have happened for Amy until after those nine months are up. The screaming, the screaming, the never ending screaming. Both of us have had moments of pure joy tempered the next by feelings of total inadequacy and frustration and the author does a decent job of capturing and describing that swinging pendulum on both sides of the arc.
One thing the author said that struck me, and this must be a hundred times worse for the women than the men, is that to admit that you're sick of your kid, to admit that sometimes you just can't stand their existence, is (in my words) a cardinal sin of early parenthood. A new mother (or father) is just not supposed to say those things. Do you doubt me? You shouldn't.
To lighten the tone of this post just a little, I would like to thank all of our mother friends who have left advice here and elsewhere. It's important to have people by your side to give you support when you need it and we appreciate all of you and what you have to say. So far, though, nothing seems to work well for Nick's feeding time. It's impossible to keep him awake. But we're no longer worrying too much about it. He gained two pounds in the last two weeks and we don't expect that to diminish. Between that empirical confirmation of the doctor's scale that he is getting the food he needs and knowing that you, my dear readers, have our backs, we have enough support to get the job done and Amy thanks you vicariously through me.
5 comments:
I wish I had your blog to read when we had our babies. It is so true. It is comforting to know you are not alone in the experience. I think we all put such pressure on ourselves to be such perfect parents that, when we have thoughts of wanting to put our kids out to the curb because we just can't take it any longer, we feel like failures (or at least I did.) When I have these feelings (yes it doesn't go away when they get older - just becomes less frequent) I think back to a particular conversation I had with Amy when she shared her experience with the children she saw at work, and despite how awful their parents may have treated them they still love them unconditionally. While I do not use that as an excuse to be the parent I don't want to be, I use it to help forgive myself for not being perfect. I now realize my children will forgive me too. I am human too and through everything our love for each other is truly unconditional. Sorry, here comes the unsolicitated advise. I just can't help myself. (You can always say you don't want to hear it and you won't hurt my feelings.) I thought of one more thing that helped me a TON to make it through the second child, and I thought it might help you. Just know that after 3 months it gets A LOT easier. Now the exact time frame may be slightly different for you, but it will be close. Other parents I have talked to have confirmed they have experienced this too. It is like in the great design of life someone knew that parents/children would not be able to survive more than three months of sleep deprived hell - no matter how cute the little one was. When you get through all that, then you can look forward to it getting significantly easier after 1 year. You will then look back and think, "where did the time go? What happened to my precious little baby?" And as crazy as it seems you will think about doing it all over again. :-) -WEWH
Now you got it-- don't worry! If only I could take that advice... Sounds like he's getting what he needs-- and no, you are NOT alone in your thoughts- but I think you 'think' you can't stand their existence, when it's really the feeling of being inadequate to do what you need, or to even know what you need to do, that you can't stand?? I'm sure that could be said in a simpler way, but ya get my drift... Anyway, been there-- MANY times-- just today in fact- an hour ago even... Sleep well and may the screaming subside for awhile!
Uh oh, more unsolicited advice... LOLSomething my father-in-law told us when Andrew was first born, and it is the single most true thing anyone has ever said to me. We read everything we could before he was born. Andrew, however, has not read any of those books and doesn't realize he's doing the baby thing all wrong! ROFLSeriously, all the advice, the books, the nurses & doctors can tell you is what they've seen and experienced with others. They tell you all the stuff you need to watch for because it's out there and we need to be aware in case any serious problems arise.That being said, the truth of the matter for most of us is that the first two months or so is all about survival, and you CANNOT spoil a child in the first few months. It is not possible.Andrew was not a sleeper. He would sleep for maybe 15 minutes at a stretch in his bassinet. After that conversation with my father-in-law, we tried a few rather unconventional sleeping arrangements until we found one everyone could cope with. This meant the padded part of the pack & play stretched across half of the sofa & ottoman, surrounded on 2 sides by pillows, one side by the sofa and one side by either Nathan or myself. If that didn't work, we surrounded ourselves with pillows and let him sleep on us instead. We took shifts sleeping like this until he decided sleeping in the crib was okay. It took about 5 weeks.I realize this is NOT recommended practice in any form, but I will say it worked. The point being is that you do what you need to do in order to get through, and that is the name of the game at this point. I'm afraid I can't offer much advice regarding the screaming, though. Andrew was really a pretty quiet little guy for the most part, he just didn't sleep well.Our prayers are with you, as always!-Jody
That's right...go with your instincts and do whatever works. It will get easier...and Nick is thriving so you are doing right by him. Just try to get some sleep when he sleeps...
Ahhhh... parenting newborns! I remember those days!I know that in the midst of it, it feels absolutely wretched. There were times that I could definitely understand those shaken babies (my third was the one who made me think I might turn into one of those moms you read about in the news). But it really and truly does get better. And then worse again. And then better again. And so on. I'm pretty sure that swinging pendulum never quits swinging, and my oldest is only nine!And if mom is nursing, it is scary not knowing exactly how much food your little one is getting. Clearly though, both are doing a great job. Breastfeeding is most definitely a learned skill and Amy should give herself a lot of credit for being willing to try.And the best thing I've learned as a parent is that I'm always wrong. Everything we do as parents is wrong according to someone. Embrace it and then go forward!
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