One Little Victory

In the past, I have used this blog to vent some of my frustrations about Nicholas. I can now understand that a large part of those frustrations were due mostly to being new parents. Amy and I had almost nine full years together without children before Nick came along. We knew that having a child would be adjustment, but I'm convinced now that nobody can ever claim to have a clue about raising children until they actually do it themselves. I do not mean to say that we are being inundated with poor advice. I am trying say that we could never have fully comprehended all of the realities of caring for an infant because neither of us had ever done it to this extent. In addition, we'd become so used to only caring for ourselves and each other that the adjustment wasn't the smoothest transition.

But our stamina is noticeably improving. I have noticed changes in myself that are simply astounding (to me). Today I was finally able to walk Nick for an extended period of time, almost an hour, without becoming frustrated by the constant pacing. Nick needed to take his nap. He was so tired that he could barely hold a cry and his eyes would droop with every step, but he would not be put down. After fifty minutes had passed, and multiple attempts to set him down failed, he finally fell asleep soundly in my arms enough to be laid in his crib without startling awake and I could finally take that shower that I'd promised myself. That may not seem like much to most of you. But for me, it's a milestone. I felt proud of myself. I haven't handled a situation like that in quite the way that I did until that moment.

This is a small moment, one little victory in a sea of failures. I know we have a long way to go. I know that the way we care for him will be an ever-shifting target. But I'm proud of being able to make the changes that I've made in myself for his sake. I'm proud of feeling like I've met a milestone.